A quick blog to write down my panic over school.
It is entirely my fault, I need to get my act together and actually do something about it.
Go, Jodie, go!

this was supposed to be a happy generic post. but then i started typing what i was really feeling and it got a bit out of hand,

I really miss my Grampa.
Since he died i've tried not to think about it. I feel like if I let myself think over it, i'm going to have a break down. If i'm honest I don't think I can cope with it yet- i'm not ready to come to terms with it. Tomorrow it'll be exactly two months. Two months. It's gone so quick. I hate feeling like this. I hate the way death can take someone from you. The idea of never seeing someone again is too immense.
  It's not like I don't have experience with this sort of thing. Not that many people know about Daniel. And the ones who do... well I don't really think they understand what it's like to miss someone so badly, even though you were a baby when they died? All I have is the stories off my parents. The photos of us. And i'm left with wondering what my life would be like if Daniel hadn't died. How different would it be? I'd have another big brother. I feel empty when I think about it. Although there's a part of me that always feels empty. I'm just left with this longing for someone who I never got to share moments with. My big brother was taken away from me when he was only little. He was six. It isn't fucking fair. Now i've started crying and it always ends up like this. I keep it bottled up until I can't anymore. But I can't talk to anyone about it because who the hell wants to be depressed by thoughts like this? It's bad enough that I have to live with it but I can't exactly make someone else share it.
  I just feel cheated. I never got to know him. He didn't deserve to die.
What did my family do to deserve this? Why us? Why anyone?
I could never, ever believe in God for this very reason. Nobody should have to suffer like this. A six year old boy doesn't deserve suffering. My brother didn't deserve to go through so much pain and suffering and neither did my family and now all that's left is misery and sadness and pain and I just want it to stop. The more I think about this the more upset I get.
 I'm rambling but I don't care. None of this made sense but life doesn't either and nobody is reading this but me so screw you good english and punctuation.
 

Fail.

So i've already failed at keeping up with a blog. I'd list a load of excuses but really, i've been busy and I forgot. But i'm here now, so don't judge. At least i've returned.
What's happened since last Friday you ask ?
The answer would be: not much. I worked the whole weekend, slacked in school all week... and that's pretty much it. Mum and Dad went to Spain this morning, so my Nana is looking after me and my brothers. I've remembered something interesting I did this week! Wednesday was my work's Christmas do thing, and it was at Eleo's. It was soo much fun, I can't even tell you. If i'm honest, i've never drunk properly before. I've never really been associated with people who drink, and i've never felt the urge to. But wednesday, I personally think it was the influence of Calum and Will. I had two smirnoff ices and three glasses of wine. Let's just say that I wasn't exactly sober. And a bit more than tipsy... Make of that what you will. I didn't go overboard though, and I had a really good time. I love the guys at work. Everyone's really lovely and I enjoyed getting to know them more this past week. It makes me look forward to going to work tomorrow, just so I can have a chat with everyone about Wednesday. I wish we could all go out together, not arranged by Eileen or anything, just go out together.
I guess that's all I have to say for now, except I think this weekend is going to be good, and I cannot wait to finish school at the end of this week! Happy Holidays!

Do they know it's christmas time at all....

Michael Bublé is amazing but I fail at Life

I was in a good mood this morning. I'm not really sure why, I just was... And then I was in an even better mood when Katie gave me my birthday present. (The main bit was a 2011 Michael Bublé Calendar. I.Love.It.A.Lot.) And then during my last lesson of the day, Spanish, we got our mock papers back... And boom. Shit mood. Day ruined.
  Okay, so I knew i'd done awful. I'd barely tried, because I sort of went into panic mode and my brain switched off. But that's not an excuse. I got a D, two marks off a C. But there was a few people in the class who I like to think i'm of the same ability as, and they did far better than me. So i'm really disappointed with myself. Ugh. It's just made me feel awful about myself :( More than that it scares me. I always knew I wasn't good enough for any of it. I always feel like I fluke things. Like i'm not actually smart, and I don't deserve any of it. It sucks. I used to feel like a fony, and now I guess the truth has been uncovered. I can't actually do any of it. I could hide it before, but now those days are over and I don't know what to do. So the good feeling that yesterday's result gave me in history has now been erased by a feeling of insecurity  low self-esteem. Such is the story of my life I guess.
  RIGHT. STOP. THIS IS NO GOOD. I'LL FORGET IT. MOVE ON. DO BETTER. RIGHT. THATS THE WAY. BOOM.
byeeeeeeeeeeeee

how wonderful life is now you're in the world...

f-f-f-freeezing

IT'S ALMOST FRIDAY!
not sure why i'm that happy... I have to get up at 9.30 am on Saturday for work... But oh well :)
My week of horrible stressful tests is now over! Today was amazing despite an English test first thing because I got my history test back and I had the highest in the class :D 87% which was an A! Absolutely chuffing because I failed the last one, and i've really been finding history tough... So it's given me a bit of motivation.

It's now a few hours later...
Just went to the Guide/Scout fete thing. IT. WAS.SHIT.
No joke. I mean, there weren't even any cakes there. How appalling is that ? Not one single home made cake. It makes me sad. What is this world coming to ? It disappointed me greatly and it shall take time for me to get over this disappointment.
  Ooh! Today my copy of Penguin's Poems for Life arrived! I've barely even opened it, but I did read, after the list of poems the book contains, the quote before the preface. It was from William Shakespeare's 'As You Like It' and it was amazing! I loved it a lot, so i'm really excited to get stuck into this anthology. It also feels nice to read because i'm widening my knowledge of poetry which at the moment is limited. So hopefully that's going to change soon.
  Another thing i'm excited about is MY ADVENT CALENDAR. How exciting!!
Byeee for now :D

It rains in your bedroom, everything this wrong. It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. I was there when you said forever and always...

Fail At School. Potter. XMAS.

It's almost 11pm, and I'm really exhausted, so I don't know why I'm writing this, except I remembered it existed and then had the urge to update it. Even if this update is short.
  I'm stressed out with week. Although this isn't that unusual-i'm always stressed out about something (which is really bad. I should try and work on that... But I can't help it...). I have loads of tests and I haven't prepared for any of them and AH IT'S TOO MUCH SIXTH FORM IS TOO HARD. For the past few months I've completely lost all motivation when it comes to school. For GCSEs I was fine. I revised my ass off. I did homework. I actually tried. But now, i'm not doing all of my homework, i'm not revising for tests and so failing most of them. I feel behind in everything, and what's worse, I don't feel like I have the energy to do anything about it. It's really worrying, but I'm hoping that the Christmas holidays will give me a bit of a break and i'll be able to revise properly for my biology exam in January, and then come back in fighting spirit ready to work as hard as I used to.
  In happier news, I'm seeing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows again tomorrow and i'm really excited. It's almost two weeks since I saw it the first time and i'm looking forward to being able to see things I missed before (and enjoy it without the stress of the missing tickets like last time. What an absolute fail that was!) and seeing if my opinion on the film is still the same.
  Now I can barely keep my eyes open and there are probably loads of typos in this but who the hell is reading this so who the hell cares ?

25 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS <3

Just the way you are.

Over the past few days i've become obsessed with this musician on YouTube called Alex Goot -he's amazing and I can't believe I didn't know about him before. Despite his awesomeness, it did distract me from doing school work that really needed doing... But it was worth it.
  It's amazing how much some music can have an effect on you. Some music, you listen to it, forget about it, move on. And then you come across that one song which you can't forget about. For me, it's happened once. I can't describe it really, but I guess it has similar feelings associated with epiphanies or something. When I first heard the song Colorblind from the soundtrack of the film 'Invictus' I was more than blown away. I can't even articulate what I love about it. I guess it's how powerful the message is. A song that describes a very serious matter- a matter that has affected the lives of thousands of people. Something a disgusting amount of people still suffer from; racism. Despite what the song is about, the way it's arranged vocally - the harmonies in particular are peaceful, but it has a fighting spirit. I'm starting to ramble a bit now, I could talk about it forever and ever, that's how good it is. I guess what i'm trying to say is that you should go and listen to it now! The song is by the South African band Overtone, and if you like Colorblind then I highly suggest you check out their song 9,000 Days featuring Yollandi Nortjie who has a beautiful voice. It's very powerful as well.  For now I shall leave you with the last verse from Colorblind:

Hear me say it's time we stopped our hate,
Eye to eye we see a different fate.
Yes we've conquered the war with love at the core,
I stumble I fall but i'll stay,
Colorblind.

Adios <3

Wilkommen, Bienvenue... WELCOME ! (8)

Good evening non-existant blog readers!
I've tried many times to attempt to blog... and failed MISERABLY!
So, let's see if I can actually start one properly...
Things I did today:
1) Watched a playgirl hold a cockroach in her mouth for ten seconds (Yes. I just wrote that sentence.)
2) Accidentally deleted hours worth of work that i was re-doing because I already accidentally deleted it once.
3) Got ambushed by a saleswoman from Lush who convinced me to buy a £3 product.
4) STARTED THIS BLOG. BOOYAH!

Right darlings. The battery on my laptop is about to die. Fairwell :)